Johnny English: Men In Black (and Orange)
by Chocfan
Summary: Wimpy spy Johnny English and fellow spy Tucker are to interview an eccentric and unhinged multi millionaire and Scotsman, Ailbert in jail but things aren't easy, especially for Johnny who tries to escape the rather difficult inteview out of boredom. To best enjoy this story, I highly recommend you read my previous Johnny English story- Johnny English, Classified.
1. Chapter 1

**Johnny English: Men In Green (and Orange) Chapter 1**

**This is a sequel to my previous Johnny English story Johnny English: Classified, starring Rowan Atkinson as Johnny English for those who aren't aware of the character. To get the most out of this story, it is best to read my previous fanfic Johnny English, Classified as well.**

It was a bright and breezy day in London. English and Tucker were powering along in their silver Aston Martin Vanquish and having a discussion as Johnny was struggling to remember some events from the week before.

"What do you mean you can't remember, Johnny? You swallowed a mind controlling gobstopper designed to control Ailbert, leaving you in a numb state for 24 hours, and since I couldn't drive I had to radio in backup to drive your Aston Martin and our baddies back to MI-7 headquarters," Tucker said calmly but in a rushed tone.

"And the body was recovered, yes?" replied Johnny. "You see Tucker, recalling my mind 24 hours after eating that mind controlling gobstopper is about as effective as asking a goldfish to describe The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. It just isn't possible."

"And also," he continued proudly "I'm rather looking forward to quizzing our friend Ailbert who's currently in jail. In a way I rather pity the fellow. You'd think that a peasant turned multi millionaire like him would use the money wisely and invest in worthwhile things like Bebo and Facetube instead of "Nessie" and "Chrissie". Oh, and I must ask him where he gets his Intel, I mean rumours on MI-7. Clearly there could be a mole lurking within..."

There was a pause.

"Of course, he's a very rude man, as I'm sure you know but being the bastion of superior intelligence and patience that I am, I'll try to be extra nice to him."

"Why's that Johnny?" enquired Tucker in a surprised tone.

"Well Tucker," Johnny replied thoughtfully."It takes all sorts in life to make things interesting and I believe he makes our job a little more... interesting."

Wow, Tucker thought. A rather _thoughtful_ comment from Johnny there. Not the first one. Or was it?

"Take the first left at the next roundabout." spoke the sat nav now in its usual feminine and not very emotive voice. The Aston turned quietly out of the roundabout before the burble of acceleration came out of the exhaust as the road was for this second or two, fairly empty. Johnny floored the accelerator and the bellowing V12 revved into full power briefly.

The sat nav then declared "You have reached your destination." Johnny pulled through the nearby mechanically operated gates, which up ahead had guards stationed on both sides in two separate booths. There was a sign engraved on these steel gates saying "GENTINGTON" in bold capital letters. Underneath it in smaller writing was also in bold "Her Majesty's Prison."

Johnny turned to the guard stationed on the left side.

"Name?" questioned the guard in an interrogating voice. English then answered a string of questions with his usual response.

"Johnny English."

"Occupation?"

"Spy."

"Aged?"

"Middle."

"Skyfall?"

English turned his head away to pause for a moment before coming out with "Unknown."

The guard, who had a light blonde crew cut then checked his computer's emails, before rummaging through some papers and then coughed, covering his mouth.

"Yes," he spoke in a gruff, rough voice before clearing his throat.

"Drive ahead."

Johnny obliged and drove slowly and carefully through the gates and into the car park. He drove along the gravelly road and parked near the water fountain up ahead made out of stone. It portrayed (in stone) a policeman with a baton poking a prisoner in the belly with a truncheon showing the prisoner in anger and with his mouth open, which is where the water spouted out from.

After observing this rather unusual piece of design, Johnny went and parked the highly desirable Vanquish and got out with Tucker. They then both walked through the revolving door of this gigantic building.

Johnny stood with Tucker in the reception, noting the hustle and bustle surrounding them.

"Very big, isn't it Johnny?" commented Tucker.

"Yes Tucker, I was just about to say that. It is truly _vast_."

A man then came through the nearby double doors and strolled intentionally towards Johnny. He had slicked back light brown hair and was very tall in stature. He also had a goatee and was rather broad in the beam.

He stretched out his hand and smiled.

"Hello there. Johnny English, is it?"

"Yes, that's me and this is my co-worker Tucker."

Tucker grinned eagerly. "Pleased to meet you." He spoke happily.

"Let's take the lift." The tall man spoke with a grin.

They then proceeded to the lift where he then pressed the button.

Meanwhile Johnny started humming the song "Hey Brother" in his head which he'd watched recently on YouTube. It _was _quite catchy after all.

Eventually the lift made that noise it makes when it reaches the floor it's come down to. The doors then opened and Johnny, Tucker and the prison worker stepped inside before then pressing the "3" button and up they went.

Eventually the lift pulled up where it was supposed to and then the three men got out and started walking down a very long corridor. Eventually, they saw a large steel door up ahead which had a small window with bars inside and a large keyhole. There was a notice nearby: "Prison staff beyond this point only" summarising what was ahead.

The worker instantly got his chained key of his pocket and opened the door before sniffing. He opened the door but instead of proceeding, turned to Johnny.

"I believe I've never properly introduced myself. You can call me Thomas. This way." He stood at the door smiling waving Johnny and Tucker to come ahead.

"Ladies first," he joked to himself. English and Tucker walked through, blissfully unaware of that comment. Stretching ahead into the horizon was an even longer corridor. White walls were everywhere mixing with steel doors which had a little slot that you could push to see into the cells. Each door, as you'd expect was numbered, dark grey in colour and with a keyhole, like with some doors. The three people strolled along casually, noting the cell numbers and the sound of their shoes squeaking on the recently washed floor.

Thomas led the way as usual, coming ahead of the two spies before abruptly stopping and turning to a cell with the number 99 on it. What a _pleasant_ number, English thought randomly. Thomas then unlocked the door and went inside with the handcuffs and another officer who appeared seemingly out of nowhere. The clink of handcuffs was heard in the background and a familiar face was seen by Johnny and Tucker as he was led out of his cell.

Now wearing a green and orange boiler suit and sporting a completely bald head, stood Ailbert or Number 99 as he was known. He was still rather overweight in build, length and breadth and he now was clean shaven. No beard in sight. He gave Tucker and especially Johnny dirty looks for a few seconds before staring in embarrassment down at the floor on which he stood.

"So this is our man Ailbert. How are you doing these days?" enquired a tactically friendly Johnny.

10 minutes later English and Tucker were in the interrogation room which consisted of little more than a large window for MI-7 and police employees to look through and observe. There was also a small table, with English directly facing Ailbert and Tucker beside English chairs they pulled over.

There was silence until Ailbert coughed heavily, with his mouth uncovered into Johnny and Tucker's faces much to their displeasure.

On the table was a clipboard with blank lined sheets on top.

"So..." English said slowly looking at the sheets before eying Ailbert. "You are quite a character Mr Ailbert Trevelyan. Won the Euromillions lottery netting over £170 million in cash, some of which you spent on warheads which you hid in your garage and other dubious equipment of great danger which we..."

Ailbert interrupted with his deep Scottish accent. "Ya fools. Ye oul government took not just ma warheads Chrissie, Nessie, Veruca and all the others I cannot even remember. Plus ya took ma friends Stanley the rocket launcher, Spiky my modified AK47 with bayonette and Wilty the bouncy castle, all without ma permission, ya rascals ye. But ye'll nevar take ma freedom. My freedom to spend ma money on weapons of mass destruction!" he exclaimed with the last sentence standing up and pointing the finger squarely at Johnny who then sighed. Progress with this man may take a _while_...


	2. Chapter 2

**Johnny English: Men In Green (and Orange) Chapter 2**

Ailbert continued to ramble while Johnny swivelled his eyeballs in frustration.

"Tell you what Ailbert. Tucker remembers much more of what happened in Scotland than me so I'll eh pop off to the toilet... Back in a few minutes, alright." He said before nodding to the investigators looking through the window.

Johnny then casually strolled out of the room whooping to himself in his thoughts.

"Result," he mumbled with a wily grin on his face. Somehow you got the sense he may be more than a _few_ minutes...

All eyes, for this moment at least were now focused on Tucker.

Tucker then moved his and Johnny's chairs so now he was staring into the eyes of Ailbert. With Johnny gone, this was possibly the first interview Tucker had done in a jail.

"Right Ailbert. We can confirm for a start that you did indeed own all the weapons of mass destruction you mentioned plus a few more which I will mention to you such as Tanky the tank, two flamethrowers and an exploding alarm clock which we disarmed. Why is this?"

"Well sir, I'm no terrorist, I'm a mere collector so I am. I've got to do something with all that money I won and I've been unable to get a job since the recession. That's kinda why I set up that blog as well ya see."

"So let me get this straight," said Tucker in a mildly frustrated voice. "You set up the blog out of boredom and you collect weapons of mass destruction for the fun of it. Am I correct?"

"Aye. I also do it not cause I dislike the English, I do it cause I hate them so I do. Besides you never know when Stanley comes in handy, eh? FREEDOM!" He shouted the FREEDOM while beating his chest proudly.

This was interesting to say the least, Tucker thought. Here's a multi millionaire who collects dangerous illegal weapons out of boredom and out of a deep hatred for the English. Maybe that explained his blog posts on MI-7?

"So you hate the English?" Tucker interrogated in a now slightly more aggressive tone. "Does that explain why you posted dangerous rumours about MI-7 on your blog?"

"Aye, I've a friend ya see called em, a Mr Johnstone. He's an employee who werks there. He posts them onto me via email or phones me and I write them on ma blog which ya know very well."

A small satisfied smile appeared on Tucker's face. He was doing better at this questioning than Johnny and Ailbert seemed to be giving better answers.

Tucker's thoughts were then interrupted by the sudden reappearance of Johnny who looked rather sheepish as a very tall and broad pale skinned guard opened the door for him. Johnny then came back and sat down with a slightly red face.

"Ahem," Johnny coughed lightly. "Well Tucker, I'm back. May I take over for a while? You come back to your questioning after I do this word association excercise."

"Yeah,ok." said Tucker in agreement.

"So Ailbert, we want you to say out loud the first word that pops into your head so when I give you a word, you follow it up with one. I'll start you off and then you reply, ok." Said Johnny in a slow and clear voice.

"MI-7."

"English."

"Stanley."

"English."

"Haggis."

"ENGLISH!" Ailbert bellowed proudly.

"Right, thank you Ailbert your responses are _much_ appreciated and very much worth my time..." said Johnny with a very mild hint of sarcasm.

"Right Tucker, since you seemed to manage better than I did, you ah, get to question him for another while."

Tucker than continued the chat while Johnny looked on in interest.

"Well, Ailbert we can confirm that after having phoned Mr Johnstone, he handed himself in and is also going to be under intense scrutiny like yourself. As you are well aware, your jail time has been cut to three more days due to you being bailed out and an agreement has been made which we'd like you to sign here."

Ailbert exposed a toothy grin exposing his yellow and golden teeth while signing the document.

Ailbert then spat on his hand which he then reached out to Johnny and then Tucker. Both refused to shake it.

After having a chat with MI-7 and police staff Johnny and Tucker were back on their way to the MI-7 headquarters. Hailstones poured down heavily outside clinking against the many Jaguar XJ saloons, black Range Rovers with tinted windows and the odd Aston Martin like Johnny's which stood motionless outside.

Johnny brought out his umbrella which had a large hole in it. He looked on in clear disgust.

"Oh cack. Tucker, next time you see those FBI agents I worked with yesterday tell them to be more considerate before pulling their little pranks. I suspect Myrtle and Hank have been at it again with their garish plastic shoes and enthusiastic attitudes."

He then put the umbrella away and dashed to the car as soon as they were exposed to the rain, before climbing inside the sumptuous and highly luxurious Aston Martin along with Tucker. Johnny turned the ignition on and there was a distinctive bong as they put their seatbelts on. The car then pulled out of the parking space and soon they were on their way back to MI-7 HQ.

"Well Tucker" English said with a proud smug grin "That was a great, blunder free day wasn't it?"

Before Tucker could reply the car's trip computer read out with an umeotive feminine voice "Service in 10 miles"

"Oh, cack" English muttered with his trademark mannerisms.

The End


End file.
